I want to talk about a threat to the Australian economy that I think is bigger than the European debt crisis or the US economy downgrade. I’m talking about a new armada heading to Australian shores. And they’re carrying cargo that we won’t be able to flick back over to Malaysia. I’m referring to the imminent invasion of NZ apples. Boat Apples. Or Bapples.
All my mates know I love a pink lady. And you know how I like my pink ladies? Disease free. And the reason they’re disease free is because the pink lady is an apple from the great state of Western Australia.
NZ apples are riddled with disease. Not just Fire Blight but countless other pestilences. That is why kiwi apples have been banned from our shores since 1919.
No-one knows why or how these disease came about. But at the time there were rumours about Kiwi farmers doing unnatural and unspeakable things in orchards. That’s all I’ll say.
It’s that bad that in NZ the only reason an apple a day keeps the doctor away, is because they’re worried about getting banged up in a VD clinic somewhere.
Now I’m no biblical scholar, but I’m guessing the forbidden fruit Adam ate in the Garden of Eden, the one that got us kicked out of paradise and created original sin, I’m betting it was probably an apple from New Zealand.
And you know that movie American Pie? If you tried to poke a hole like that in a NZ apple turnover, you’d be dead in 2 weeks.
That’s how bad it is.
And now the World Trade Organization demands we open up our borders to these chemical weapons with stems.
That might sound extreme but there’s been rumours circulating for years about about the kiwi apple industry recruiting orchardists from Iran and North Korea.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they send us some Royal Galas carrying a Trojan virus designed purely to destroy Aussie Jonathons or Fujis.
It’s time for drastic measures. I’m proposing we send a flotilla of navy destroyers out in the Tasman Sea to blockade kiwi apple ships. Using the same tactics employed during the cuban missile crisis. And if they stray into our territorial waters- bang- we turn them into apple strudel.
That’s what I’d do if I were defence minister. And that’s a core promise.